Falling In Love

The last two months I had a sinus infection that turned into five asthma attacks and two bouts of bronchitis.

I took this as a great opportunity for me to accept myself exactly as I am and to deepen in my trust that God (spirit/energy) creates everything for my highest good.

Through breath meditation, I opened to the lessons: value “being” and not just “doing”, take time to enjoy the more subtle delights of living (like breathing!), pay loving attention to my shadow side, speak my truth, release all drama. There were so many lessons!

Yet the sinus pressure just kept going.

I “unstuffed” every room in my house including the basement and garage – taking four carloads to my neighborhood Good Will.

I let my sinuses express themselves through my writing. They had so much to say. They vented large amounts of anger. They wanted to go to Italy. They were tired of doing healing work.

I honored them by listening without judgment and assuring them that it was safe to express themselves, knowing that in doing so, they could release the underlying negative feelings. Set the pressure free!!

And yet…they persisted. I juiced vegetables and drank wheatgrass and squirted saline water up my noise to rinse out the mucus.

(Side note: did you know we drink 2 quarts of mucus a day? And that's normal.)

And yet…they persisted.

Then I thought about what was different last year than this year.

Last year over Christmas and New Year's I was in love. I was deliciously, exquisitely vibrating, sharing my heart with a lovely, inspiring man.

We were holding hands, staring lovingly into each other’s eyes, sharing long philosophical discussions, exchanging our visions for raising consciousness on earth and of course, making the yummy love. Very good for the sinuses!

My whole body was relaxed and my eyes were soft with wonder.

Ah-hah! I exclaimed. That was the difference.

So, to be healthy, I need to fall in love!

I quickly offered affection to a few nice gents, but no takers.

So, I decided to fall in love with everything!

Some things are so easy to fall in love with. Birds and trees and sunshine. Babies and puppies. Flowers. It’s easy to love time off work and baths and deep hugs. But to truly be in love, I needed to love everything.

I looked deeply into every person I met. After the superficial discomfort of how foreign it feels to love a stranger, something would shimmer inside of them. I caught a glimpse of their struggle and their victories. If I needed help I would picture them as a child. This always awakens my heart for me.

I saw the perfection of each person on his or her path. The perfection of concrete and joblessness. I saw the incredible gifts of sickness. My body reverberated with sensitivity and compassion. As if I said, “Yes” to everything. “Yes” to sleeping alone. “Yes” to my past pain. “Yes” to not knowing what is to come. “Yes” to opening my heart to love and to contraction. “Yes.”

I was totally awake and alive… and yet my sinuses still persisted.

The difference was that now I was in love with them. In love with the pressure on either side of my nose. In love with their staunch determination. In love with the enticing pop they made as they cleared little by little.

Then my sinuses taught me another lesson… they taught me why it can take so long to heal. The clearing is happening on five levels. Not only did I need to clear the physical, emotional, mental and spiritual level, but I also needed to clear the unconscious realm.

So, back I went for another gestalt (talking to the aspect). This time guided by a trusted USM counselor and I discovered the secret.

I was punishing myself for being happy.

My sicknesses were keeping me in the pattern I grew up in. I had created the misbelief that to appease my parent I wasn’t allowed to be happy. My father valued hard work, not joy. My mother couldn’t find her happiness if it bit her in the ass. So, I created a belief that was causing me to be ill.

And the more “in love” or happy I became, the sicker I became. Ah-ha!!

So, I forgave myself for buying into the misbelief that I wasn’t allowed to be happy. I forgave myself for judging my parents as unhappy. I let go of the guilt of being incredibly, joyfully, ecstatic and I was set free.

The truth is I am happy. It is safe for me to be ecstatically joyful.

I’d like to say that my sinuses cleared up instantly after that realization and my subsequent proclamation. Not quite.

As of this writing they are perfectly clear. But the pressure is on stand by. It’s waiting to make sure I’ve full committed to joy. It is waiting in the wings like an ambitious understudy, ready to take the stage if I slip up.

But I am confident. I am ready to gently free my sinuses of their guard. Thank you sinuses! Thank you for being such a determined teacher. Thank you for the awarenesses. Thank you for helping me fall in love with everything! Thank you for clearing my past pattern of self-punishment. I owe you nothing less than my greatest joy.

I love you.

Now, about that soulmate…