WHY YOU SHOULDN'T SHOOT YOURSELF IN THE HEAD

It’s messy, for one. For another, if you miss or flinch then you’re sucking cider through a straw for the rest of your life.

Third, and most importantly, and the reason you shouldn’t kill yourself at all is that:

People change.
Life circumstances change.
Feelings change.

What’s more is…you can change them.

I know what you’re thinking, “I am trapped. Everyday is misery. Everybody hates me. Not one person would care if I were dead.”

Trust me. I’ve been there. I cried for years on end. I put a gun in my mouth and pulled the trigger. Didn’t work. Gun didn’t go boom. My pain didn’t evaporate in a lightning flash blackout.

Thank God.

Because now I know I am not trapped. I do not cry myself to sleep every night. And all those nasty thoughts? “No one cares. Everyone hates me.” They weren’t true! I was just so depressed I couldn’t see past them. But I see clearly now. Life is completely different now. I have a loving, supportive family. I have joy throughout the day. I have a million reasons to live.

I know those dark thoughts and feelings can be convincing. You REALLY FEEL it’s the end of the world. But it’s not. No matter what your situation is, LIFE CAN GET BETTER. Even if you are declaring bankruptcy. Even if you haven’t worked in three years. Even if your wife left you for your best friend. Even if you committed a crime, LIFE CAN GET BETTER. Even if the voices in your head are saying horrible things to you, even if you are sleeping with your mother and thinking about killing your father, even if you are gay and your parents are conservative republican Mormons, even if you get beat up everyday by a man you would never even think of leaving, LIFE CAN GET BETTER. There is a get out of jail free card. There is a way out of your pain and misery and IT ISN’T THROUGH ENDING YOUR LIFE!

Our egos have constructs of “what is okay” and “what is too shameful, too painful, too humiliating” to live with.

These constructs are NOT real!

Don’t believe them.

You don’t have to be a straight A student to have value. You don’t have to get the guy or gal of your dreams for your life to be worth living. Don’t buy into our culture’s values that if you are not the best, you have no reason to be. I did and it made me miserable.

At one point I wanted to kill myself because I didn’t get cast as Anita in “West Side Story” in High School. I literally felt like my life was over. There was no point in going on or trying. But guess what? That was a LIE my brain was telling me. If a guy broke up with me, guess what? I wanted to die. My mind said, “You are alone in this world. You will always be alone. Get me out of this anguish.” I cried and cried. I cried doing homework in college. I cried working out with videos. I cried in the bathroom at parties.

GUESS WHAT NOBODY TOLD ME???

YOU DON’T HAVE TO BE MISERABLE.

YOU CAN CHANGE YOUR LIFE.

Now your mind may be saying, “Maybe she can change, but my depression is hereditary.” Well, I’ll tell you, my mom is still depressed, my sibling is on anti-depressants and I am gloriously (95 % of the time) pain free. "Depression is hereditary" is just an excuse to not heal yourself.

So, how did I do it?

I took the LONG, LONG, LONG route. Not alcoholism or drugs (though there was a decade and a half of workaholism), but anti-depressants and therapists. Therapy is a good first step, but anti-depressants repress emotions, as do drinking and smoking pot. In order to heal we need to EXPRESS emotions not REPRESS them. (However, if the choice is between anti-depressants and suicide bridge, take anti-depressants!)

What no one told me (and maybe I wouldn’t have believed them then) is:

1. Depression comes from negative energy stored in the body.
2. Emotional suffering comes from misunderstandings about yourself and others.
3. Your life circumstances mirror your inner beliefs.

CHANGE YOUR BELIEFS AND YOU CHANGE YOUR FEELINGS AND YOUR LIFE CIRCUMSTANCES.

Even if you have nothing but this blog, if this is your only resource… you can still heal yourself.

Your ego argues, “I tried affirmations and they don’t work.”

Of course, they don’t work! You are piling flowers on crap. You need to clear the crap before you can plant the flowers.

Trying one thing and it not working is NO REASON to think you will always feel horrible. It’s no reason to kill yourself! It’s no reason to give up!

We are so kept in the dark as a society about how to heal ourselves. For the most part, were not even taught how to love ourselves.

Why are we taught our f*&!ing ABCs and not taught to love ourselves! We are taught where to put a period, but not our value as human beings!

Are you kidding me???!!!

So, what’s the magic remedy?

How are you going to heal without money, without help, without God? (Because if you are that depressed you are definitely separated from God and probably an atheist like I was.)

Here’s how:

You need to get rid of the negative energy in your body and mind by processing it.

You can do this several different ways:

1. Write out what is upsetting you (and burn it.)

2. Exercise. When you exercise you release the negative energy trapped in your body. Kundalini yoga is the science of clearing negative energy. Even full body shaking for 15 minutes a day can clear so much.

3. Meditate. This is so amazing. All you have to do is sit down and breathe. What could be easier? You can even lie down and breathe. The point is to put the attention onto yourself: to listen to yourself for once. “What do you need?” “What are you feeling?” By focusing on your inhalation and exhalation you are giving yourself the longed for attention you need and deserve. This attention naturally turns to affection. You give yourself the attention and love so many of us long for in our lives. If you want more structure in your meditation, Google David Elliott’s Breathwork or Vipassana meditation. (There are even free retreat centers that teach you to meditate.)

4. GET HELP. I know, for years I didn’t tell anyone I was suicidal because I didn’t want to bring them down and I falsely believed that no one cared. People care. Strangers care. If your parents don’t care, maybe a teacher will. If your teacher doesn’t care, maybe a friend’s parent will. Reach out. There is no shame in feeling like a worthless piece of crap. No one taught us to love ourselves so how can we know any different? Later in life, I called the suicide hotline. They are great. They answer the phone. They get you through the crisis. And you are in crisis if you are thinking about killing yourself. You aren’t thinking straight. Imagine you are in a negative energy induced fog: DO NOT HANDLE HEAVY MACHINERY OR GUNS OR ROPES OR PRETTY LITTLE PILLS.

5. Try ALTERNATIVE METHODS of healing. My God! People would rather be dead than sit with their legs crossed and their eyes closed for half an hour? Alternative methods—Breathwork, acupuncture, chiropractic, aromatherapy, constellational healing, massage, reiki, ecstatic dancing, any kind of dancing, tantra classes, theta healing, REMT, hypnosis, rebirth therapy, energy medicine, Biodecoding, light therapy. The list goes on forever. You are NOT ALLOWED to kill yourself until you’ve tried everything. I don’t care if you believe in it or not, it will still work! If you are going to end it all anyway, what have you got to lose? You might have some fun in the meantime.

6. Forgive yourself. Forgive yourself for judging yourself as worthless. Forgive yourself for whatever you think you did that qualifies you as worthless. Forgive yourself for hating your parents. Forgive yourself for hating your life. Forgive yourself for having so much hatred inside of you. It’s not your fault. But you do need to take responsibility for it in order to process it and let it go.

7. Scream and pound a pillow. If you do nothing else, do this. Even if you are so repressed that you think “I am not angry. I don’t know what she is talking about.” Come on, you’d rather be dead than hit a pillow? Then you’re not trying!! Self-hatred and hatred of others are false beliefs. They come from negative energy stuck in your body. You can get them out if you EXPRESS THEM!!!

If you think only horrible people feel angry, only irrational people scream, only weak people cry, then you are TRAPPING YOURSELF IN SUPPRESSED EMOTIONS! You’d rather be dead than a horrible person? You’d rather be dead than weak? You’d rather be miserable than act different from other people? Please! We are human, we are all different, weak, and horrible at some time in our lives.

CUT YOURSELF SOME SLACK instead of CUTTING YOURSELF SOME ROPE.

You can learn to love yourself. You can learn to think you are wonderful and amazing. You can get free of chronic emotional pain. You just need to take action.

Take the actions that I recommended above. You can do many of them from the privacy of your own home. BUT REMEMBER... When you release the negative energy, don't buy into it. As it releases, horrible thoughts may come into your head, terrible feelings may come into your body, these are past feelings that haven't been expressed. They need to be let out. Don't believe them, just FEEL them so THEY CAN BE RELEASED.

DON’T LET AN ILLUSION OF being trapped in misery END your precious life.

You can get free.

You can be happy.

Write, scream, breathe, meditate, get help, do yoga, call the suicide hotline, forgive yourself, do whatever you have to do, but don’t stay where you are in pain. Don’t believe that voice in your head saying death is the only way out…THAT IS A LIE.

The truth is:

You will feel so much better once you release the layers of pain.
You will feel joy in the core of your being.
You will know what it is like to give and receive love.
You will love yourself and what made you who you are today.

I’ve been there. I got through it. And now I give thanks for each new day of life.

Please pass on this article to anyone who…
Dresses in all black.
Responds to “Good morning” with “F-you!”
Uses the word “Bullshit” more than three times a day.
Stays in their room all day.
Has a drug or alcohol addiction (the slow suicide methods).
Who popped into your mind while you were reading this.

You never know, you could save a life. Or at least show that you care.

Red Meat is My Mother

Recently, I gave up eating red meat. It was after three hours of watching my delicious beef bowl reverse direction from my stomach to my mouth and into the porcelain bowl that my inner knowing kicked in and said, “You can’t do this to yourself anymore. Your body is rejecting meat.”

At first I was okay without it…I found substitutes…who knew there were so many kinds of beans? Lentils are a bean. Cannellinis are a bean. Avocados are great protein. Tofu just tastes like cardboard. (Yes, I tried grilling it.)

I was adjusting, but I would drive by the places I frequented and imagine the beautiful, juicy cuts of sirloin I used to enjoy. I started tearing up just thinking about red meat. That’s right. I was crying. Over flank steaks.

This was me, nostalgically reminiscing: “Oh, that dear filet I used to eat at Cafe Beaujolais.” Or “Oh, I’ll never forget that beef teriyaki lunch special.” It wasn’t until I actually wept that I made the connection… that longing feels so familiar. That feeling of emptiness and desire. That feeling of starvation. I get it.

My desire for meat is a desire for love. And more than just any love…it was a desire for my mother’s love. The same deep yearning. The same desperation if I didn’t get it. The same tears of frustrated disappointment. I wanted red meat to hold me and softly sing me a lullyby. Maybe, “The cow flew over the moon…”

Eating red meat everyday made me feel loved. Made me feel safe. Without it, I was vulnerable and alone. Yearning. Empty. Motherless. Craving…

I thought I had healed my parental abandonment issues through two rigorous years attaining my Master’s Degree in Spiritual Psychology at the University of Santa Monica. Though I am sure I made headway, it wasn’t until I gave up my addiction to meat (my true heart ‘s desire) that I could feel the deeper emptiness that remained to be cleared. (I gave up my addiction to men the year before.)

Then I realized: that is all addiction is: the need for love.

(Sorry, if that is obvious, but it was a revelation to me.)

The good news is… there’s no need to be ashamed of your addiction! If it is simply a mother/father substitute, you can admit it…whatever it is…porn, “e”, drinking, men, women, being depressed, being skinny, crack, the Simpsons.

We are drawn to addictions to comfort us, to give us love when it wasn’t available or safe to get it from mom or pop. But probably like that relationship, the addiction hurts us as much as it comforts us. My addiction was causing my cholesterol to sky rocket and was making my body toxic (from eating a steady diet of low alkaline food.) The toxicity was causing migraines and vomiting. Bad mommy!

So I had to give it up!

We have to let go of our addiction in order to feel the feelings underlying them. (Wow, I’m really jonesing for a cookie right now – I must be onto something.)
If I don’t feel the emptiness, I can’t clear it. If I don’t clear it I will never be able to feel the true love that resides inside me and can only be felt when the pain is lifted.

And how do I lift that pain you may ask? First, I bring awareness to it. Then I let myself feel the feelings. Then I ask spirit to clear the negative feelings from my body and finally, I clear the misunderstandings through self forgiveness.

I forgive myself for the misunderstanding that I was abandoned by my mother. I forgive myself for the misbelief that I am alone and empty. I forgive myself for judging my mother as not being there for me. I forgive myself for the misunderstanding that no one loves me, that no one will comfort me or hold me. I cry any tears that these forgivenesses bring up. Then I allow myself to reconnect to mother energy.

I do this by my imagining my inner child being held by the soul of my mother beyond the field of our human judgments and woundedness. Our souls are divine and perfect. Our souls are all loving. I let her soul comfort my soul picturing an image of her soul translucent and glowing, lovingly hugging my tiny shimmering inner child. In a field of light. Or clover. Or well-lit clover.

And I am satiated. I am full. I am complete and whole. I am loved. I am reconnected to mother energy.

So, don’t be ashamed! Don’t hide your addiction in cowering fear! Just recognize it for what it is. Let it out into the open. Take responsibility for it, but not blame! Bring some compassion to yourself for needing more love and thinking that addiction was the only way you could get it.

Then quit. Quit so you can feel the truth of what you need. Quit so you can feeling your feelings and clear them. Quit so that you can get the deep, lasting love that you deserve. Or at least uplevel your addiction to something that might not kill you so quickly. Yes, I am claiming Simpsons are better for you than smoking. And an addiction to porn is probably more fun than an addiction to being depressed. Do the best you can.

As for me, I fall asleep in the warm embrace of my mother’s soul contemplating how I will give up my sugar daddy…

Six Short Cuts to Self-Love

Loving ourselves is so vital for our health and well-being and for our happiness. If you don’t love yourself, life is a chore, life is a hardship. If you deeply love yourself, you can connect with the joy and beauty that surrounds you, you can take proper care of yourself, you can enjoy the ups and learn from the downs.

To me, self-love is a feeling state. My body feels relaxed and receptive. When I think of myself, I smile. My affection surrounds me and seeps into my body. I adore my lips, my eyes, my arms, my legs, my spine, my liver, my gums, my intestines. When I love myself it is the same feeling as watching a multi-colored sunset from a steaming hot bathtub on an island vacation.

When I am not feeling this ecstatic state of self-affection, I use easy visualizations to fall back in love. Feel free to try them and add your own…

1. Transfer the Feeling of Love to Yourself

Sometimes we can feel love for other people that we cannot feel for ourselves . Envision someone or something you love. A beloved pet, a child, a friend, or your favorite grandparent. Fill up with that love you feel for that person or thing and let it saturate your body. Feel it expand in your chest, radiating out of your heart to your fingertips and toes. Then in your mind’s eye, picture yourself where you pictured that other person or pet and envelop yourself with that fountain of love. Let it penetrate you. Let yourself be filled to overflowing with your feelings of love. See how amazing you are. How beautiful. How valuable. How loveable.

2. Send Love to a Picture of Yourself as a Child

This is a great way to fill up with self-loving. Sometimes people have shame and judgments about themselves as adults and create misbeliefs that they are unworthy of love. But if you look at a picture of yourself as a child: newborn, 2, 5, even 10 years old, you can see the innocence, the sweetness, the miracle of that life. You can bring compassion and forgiveness to the experiences that created you. You can see how adorable and valuable and worthy of love you are.

3. Put Your Attention On You

Energy healer David Elliott says, “Energy flows where awareness goes.” In the American culture, we are starved for attention and affection. We constantly look outside ourselves and compare ourselves unfavorably with others. We fill our heads with information and amass huge amounts of money to say, “Hey, look at me. Look how great I am. Love me.” But really all we need to do is turn our attention inward, reflecting on our breath, on our bodies or on our life. This positive attention from ourselves to ourselves naturally turns into blissful affection.

4. Self-Acknowledgement

Focus on what is great and amazing about you. Make a daily list. Repeat it to yourself often. Acknowledge yourself for what you have accomplished in this day, week, year or lifetime. Big or small. Anything good. I acknowledge myself for getting a degree in Psychology. I acknowledge myself for giving food to a homeless teenager. I acknowledge myself for exercising today. I acknowledge myself for speaking kindly to my co-workers today. I acknowledge myself for calling my mother. This exercises feels great, strengthens your positive qualities and increases your self-loving.

5. Three-Part Breath Meditation

Sometimes negative energy blocks our ability to feel LOVE in our bodies. This breath process clears the negative feelings of anger, sadness, disappointment, frustration, or annoyance and allows you to feel your naturally vibrating positive energy. It is simple and can be done laying in bed (the head in alignment with the neck). Relax your jaw and take a full breath through your mouth into your stomach, then (without exhaling) take a second breath into the chest expanding the area around the heart and then exhale out the mouth. (One breathe per second – three seconds total) Do it for at least 10 minutes or until you feel the feelings of love and warmth flood your body.

6. Do Something Loving For Yourself

This is a great way to feel your self-love and express it. Think of something you love to do, that fills you with joy, that you have been putting off because you don’t have time, then make the time to do it! Take yourself to the movies. Paint a canvas. Go for a walk in the park. Call a friend. Take a bath. Play with a pile of puppies. Whatever makes your heart sing. Do it today!

When you love yourself, you feel great and when you feel great, you enjoy every aspect of your life and most of the people in it too. When you fill up on self-love, it flows over to those around you. Why else did God make traffic if not to give us more time to fall deeply in love with ourselves? Happy loving! Love on!

Falling In Love

The last two months I had a sinus infection that turned into five asthma attacks and two bouts of bronchitis.

I took this as a great opportunity for me to accept myself exactly as I am and to deepen in my trust that God (spirit/energy) creates everything for my highest good.

Through breath meditation, I opened to the lessons: value “being” and not just “doing”, take time to enjoy the more subtle delights of living (like breathing!), pay loving attention to my shadow side, speak my truth, release all drama. There were so many lessons!

Yet the sinus pressure just kept going.

I “unstuffed” every room in my house including the basement and garage – taking four carloads to my neighborhood Good Will.

I let my sinuses express themselves through my writing. They had so much to say. They vented large amounts of anger. They wanted to go to Italy. They were tired of doing healing work.

I honored them by listening without judgment and assuring them that it was safe to express themselves, knowing that in doing so, they could release the underlying negative feelings. Set the pressure free!!

And yet…they persisted. I juiced vegetables and drank wheatgrass and squirted saline water up my noise to rinse out the mucus.

(Side note: did you know we drink 2 quarts of mucus a day? And that's normal.)

And yet…they persisted.

Then I thought about what was different last year than this year.

Last year over Christmas and New Year's I was in love. I was deliciously, exquisitely vibrating, sharing my heart with a lovely, inspiring man.

We were holding hands, staring lovingly into each other’s eyes, sharing long philosophical discussions, exchanging our visions for raising consciousness on earth and of course, making the yummy love. Very good for the sinuses!

My whole body was relaxed and my eyes were soft with wonder.

Ah-hah! I exclaimed. That was the difference.

So, to be healthy, I need to fall in love!

I quickly offered affection to a few nice gents, but no takers.

So, I decided to fall in love with everything!

Some things are so easy to fall in love with. Birds and trees and sunshine. Babies and puppies. Flowers. It’s easy to love time off work and baths and deep hugs. But to truly be in love, I needed to love everything.

I looked deeply into every person I met. After the superficial discomfort of how foreign it feels to love a stranger, something would shimmer inside of them. I caught a glimpse of their struggle and their victories. If I needed help I would picture them as a child. This always awakens my heart for me.

I saw the perfection of each person on his or her path. The perfection of concrete and joblessness. I saw the incredible gifts of sickness. My body reverberated with sensitivity and compassion. As if I said, “Yes” to everything. “Yes” to sleeping alone. “Yes” to my past pain. “Yes” to not knowing what is to come. “Yes” to opening my heart to love and to contraction. “Yes.”

I was totally awake and alive… and yet my sinuses still persisted.

The difference was that now I was in love with them. In love with the pressure on either side of my nose. In love with their staunch determination. In love with the enticing pop they made as they cleared little by little.

Then my sinuses taught me another lesson… they taught me why it can take so long to heal. The clearing is happening on five levels. Not only did I need to clear the physical, emotional, mental and spiritual level, but I also needed to clear the unconscious realm.

So, back I went for another gestalt (talking to the aspect). This time guided by a trusted USM counselor and I discovered the secret.

I was punishing myself for being happy.

My sicknesses were keeping me in the pattern I grew up in. I had created the misbelief that to appease my parent I wasn’t allowed to be happy. My father valued hard work, not joy. My mother couldn’t find her happiness if it bit her in the ass. So, I created a belief that was causing me to be ill.

And the more “in love” or happy I became, the sicker I became. Ah-ha!!

So, I forgave myself for buying into the misbelief that I wasn’t allowed to be happy. I forgave myself for judging my parents as unhappy. I let go of the guilt of being incredibly, joyfully, ecstatic and I was set free.

The truth is I am happy. It is safe for me to be ecstatically joyful.

I’d like to say that my sinuses cleared up instantly after that realization and my subsequent proclamation. Not quite.

As of this writing they are perfectly clear. But the pressure is on stand by. It’s waiting to make sure I’ve full committed to joy. It is waiting in the wings like an ambitious understudy, ready to take the stage if I slip up.

But I am confident. I am ready to gently free my sinuses of their guard. Thank you sinuses! Thank you for being such a determined teacher. Thank you for the awarenesses. Thank you for helping me fall in love with everything! Thank you for clearing my past pattern of self-punishment. I owe you nothing less than my greatest joy.

I love you.

Now, about that soulmate…