Red Meat is My Mother

Recently, I gave up eating red meat. It was after three hours of watching my delicious beef bowl reverse direction from my stomach to my mouth and into the porcelain bowl that my inner knowing kicked in and said, “You can’t do this to yourself anymore. Your body is rejecting meat.”

At first I was okay without it…I found substitutes…who knew there were so many kinds of beans? Lentils are a bean. Cannellinis are a bean. Avocados are great protein. Tofu just tastes like cardboard. (Yes, I tried grilling it.)

I was adjusting, but I would drive by the places I frequented and imagine the beautiful, juicy cuts of sirloin I used to enjoy. I started tearing up just thinking about red meat. That’s right. I was crying. Over flank steaks.

This was me, nostalgically reminiscing: “Oh, that dear filet I used to eat at Cafe Beaujolais.” Or “Oh, I’ll never forget that beef teriyaki lunch special.” It wasn’t until I actually wept that I made the connection… that longing feels so familiar. That feeling of emptiness and desire. That feeling of starvation. I get it.

My desire for meat is a desire for love. And more than just any love…it was a desire for my mother’s love. The same deep yearning. The same desperation if I didn’t get it. The same tears of frustrated disappointment. I wanted red meat to hold me and softly sing me a lullyby. Maybe, “The cow flew over the moon…”

Eating red meat everyday made me feel loved. Made me feel safe. Without it, I was vulnerable and alone. Yearning. Empty. Motherless. Craving…

I thought I had healed my parental abandonment issues through two rigorous years attaining my Master’s Degree in Spiritual Psychology at the University of Santa Monica. Though I am sure I made headway, it wasn’t until I gave up my addiction to meat (my true heart ‘s desire) that I could feel the deeper emptiness that remained to be cleared. (I gave up my addiction to men the year before.)

Then I realized: that is all addiction is: the need for love.

(Sorry, if that is obvious, but it was a revelation to me.)

The good news is… there’s no need to be ashamed of your addiction! If it is simply a mother/father substitute, you can admit it…whatever it is…porn, “e”, drinking, men, women, being depressed, being skinny, crack, the Simpsons.

We are drawn to addictions to comfort us, to give us love when it wasn’t available or safe to get it from mom or pop. But probably like that relationship, the addiction hurts us as much as it comforts us. My addiction was causing my cholesterol to sky rocket and was making my body toxic (from eating a steady diet of low alkaline food.) The toxicity was causing migraines and vomiting. Bad mommy!

So I had to give it up!

We have to let go of our addiction in order to feel the feelings underlying them. (Wow, I’m really jonesing for a cookie right now – I must be onto something.)
If I don’t feel the emptiness, I can’t clear it. If I don’t clear it I will never be able to feel the true love that resides inside me and can only be felt when the pain is lifted.

And how do I lift that pain you may ask? First, I bring awareness to it. Then I let myself feel the feelings. Then I ask spirit to clear the negative feelings from my body and finally, I clear the misunderstandings through self forgiveness.

I forgive myself for the misunderstanding that I was abandoned by my mother. I forgive myself for the misbelief that I am alone and empty. I forgive myself for judging my mother as not being there for me. I forgive myself for the misunderstanding that no one loves me, that no one will comfort me or hold me. I cry any tears that these forgivenesses bring up. Then I allow myself to reconnect to mother energy.

I do this by my imagining my inner child being held by the soul of my mother beyond the field of our human judgments and woundedness. Our souls are divine and perfect. Our souls are all loving. I let her soul comfort my soul picturing an image of her soul translucent and glowing, lovingly hugging my tiny shimmering inner child. In a field of light. Or clover. Or well-lit clover.

And I am satiated. I am full. I am complete and whole. I am loved. I am reconnected to mother energy.

So, don’t be ashamed! Don’t hide your addiction in cowering fear! Just recognize it for what it is. Let it out into the open. Take responsibility for it, but not blame! Bring some compassion to yourself for needing more love and thinking that addiction was the only way you could get it.

Then quit. Quit so you can feel the truth of what you need. Quit so you can feeling your feelings and clear them. Quit so that you can get the deep, lasting love that you deserve. Or at least uplevel your addiction to something that might not kill you so quickly. Yes, I am claiming Simpsons are better for you than smoking. And an addiction to porn is probably more fun than an addiction to being depressed. Do the best you can.

As for me, I fall asleep in the warm embrace of my mother’s soul contemplating how I will give up my sugar daddy…