One of my Favorite Things
One of my favorite things is to watch the light change in the morning. To watch as incremental particles of dawn suffuse and replace the darkness. I like to see the walls of my room come back into place and the many faces emerge from my cottage cheese ceiling. I love it when the sunlight suddenly brightens everything in my office like a Christmas gift.
It feels like an opening to me. Like I can feel my heart warming up and that self-love rippling to the other parts of me, rippling to my past and and my ancestors, rippling to anywhere in my body that isn’t light.
More and more, I am enjoying the awareness of light that comes into my body to replace the darkness. Through out the day I watch as a fleeting insult (from outside in the world or from the inner broken record) dampens my mood, and removes my smile and my enjoyment of feeling connected to everyone and everything.
But then I call back my energy: I release any energy I’ve mistakenly picked up from someone else and I send any energy I’ve taken from them back. Then, once I am clear that I am dealing with my own energy, I begin the graceful, easy process of transmuting it…
I take in a breath of light
Which feels like a gentle whirling in my body, like a loving massage of my organs, like all my cells are alive and excited to be working together.
And I let that light unfold and whirl around whatever misunderstanding is temporarily weighing me down. And in that area of expanding light and warm compassion spreading like butter on my newly toasted soul, I hardly notice as the negative thought or feeling dissipates and escapes my body.
The negative thought was so predictable. So self-devaluing. Almost comical in its fight to convince me it was real.
Once I’ve released it, I can see it for what it was. Darkness that was ready to become light. And I am a better person for having changed it. I am strong in the knowledge that I can transmute energy.
I recently discovered this is also the meaning of GURU. GU means darkness and RU means light. The Guru is the embodiment of the wisdom, which takes us from the darkness of ignorance or confusion to the light of our truth.
And I'm ecstatic to say, this is what I am.
Actually, what we all are.
Shiners of light.
And bearers of darkness.
Shiners of light in the darkness.
Most of us are all mixtures of both. But some people are more stuck in their GU while others are sparkling deities of RU. And yet others go back and forth. (That's probably why they chant so much. They can't decide which it is.)
But what I've noticed and am starting to accept is that the GU is just as important as the RU. The darkness envelops and the light infuses and lifts.
I used to dread and fear the darkness. Which only adds more darkness. Or I would judge and punish the darkness. Bad darkness! Well, the darkness already felt bad enough, so that didn't help. But now I see the beauty of the darkness. The sacrifice the darkness is making so that I can experience the light. Thank you, darkness. I am so enjoying the light.
Then I picked up my little five-pound doggie and rubbed his tummy and asked, “So, Guru Dickins, what’s for breakfast?”
Friday, December 25, 2009
Friday, December 18, 2009
Love is My Power
Love is my Power
I used to have a prestigious job and make a ton of money. I was a TV writer and I could always depend on saying “CSI:Miami” to impress anyone I met. I used to have the top agents in Los Angeles, the dream agents. I paraded around these agents like a badge of honor. I only had to say their name to elicit “oohs” and “ahhs” from anyone in the industry.
But it all began to unravel. I got fired from the fancy job. I spent the money. I couldn’t do what my agents wanted me to do so I lost them too. All this coincided with the reawakening of my spiritual beliefs. I was learning through graduate school in Spiritual Psychology and through meditation the truth about myself and my spiritual existence.
I was discovering energy and how it worked to clear pain. I discovered I could co-create my experience by taking charge of my belief system. I worked to let go of judgments and limiting beliefs I’d held all my life. I integrated my subpersonalities though Gestalt Therapy (giving parts of you a voice). I meditated to connect to myself and my life path. And I did it.
At 36 I finally learned to love myself.
I can’t tell you how incredible this feels. (I hope you already know.) For the first time, I felt cared for on a deep level. I felt warmth spread through my body that was usually reserved for Christmas or chocolate cake. I could look in the mirror and meet my own eyes with affection. For the first time. In 36 years!
Since then, I have been building this ability to love. Applying to people I previously didn’t appreciate. Applying to my mother with whom I’d struggled to love for decades. Trying on its different permutations. Loving the unacceptable, despised parts of me. Loving homeless people. Loving the trees and sky. Loving the innate goodness in each person. Loving Christmas and chocolate cake.
I once asked my teacher how she was so compassionate and wise – she treated each person she met as sacred, each word they said as valuable, leaving out nothing and no one. She said, “When I look at people. All I see is the hand of God.” So, for years, that is how I tried to look. Looking for the beauty of each moment. Or the lesson in each challenge. Looking for the hand of God.
What is amazing is that I found it. I peeled the layers of childhood and adult traumas. I fully grieved the losses of friends and boyfriends. The loss of love I felt from the self imposed belief that I wasn’t worthy of love. I peeled and peeled and finally got to the core where I could stand in front of the mirror and look at myself with bright eyes seeing the divinity within.
Which brings me to this morning…
This morning as I was meditating, a part of me was terrified and crying. Since I’ve worked extensively with Gestalt, I knew it was the part of me that felt she had no power. That self who missed her fancy job, loved the badge of TV writer and had imagined she was TV royalty when she had hot shot agents.
I sat with her as she cried. I told her I loved her and she was safe. She was angry that I wasn’t trying harder. That I had refused to take a show that didn’t feel right. She was embarrassed that we’d been fired, clinging to the humiliation like a new badge. I just sat and listened compassionately. I had heard all this before. She wanted the money and the safety and the prestige. I assured her she was valuable without it.
Finally, her sobs subsided. Her pain released. Her need to prove herself relaxed. And I sat with her giving her love and acceptance. And she began to accept it and fill up on it. And then, she giggled delightedly. For no reason. And I realized: she thought those things were important. She thought that power, money and being a success were the keys to being happy. But she was wrong.
I wasn’t happy when I had all those things. I was terrified of losing them.
I realized this morning that all of those things eventually could and would be lost. My health. My wealth. My outer vestiges of success. I can’t take my closet of clothes into the great beyond. I can’t transfer a healthy bank account to the Heaven Branch. Eventually, I will have to let go of all those false trappings of power and achievement and then, what will be left?
Luckily, what will be left is a deep and profound acceptance of myself. A love that viscerally tingles through out my body and tickles the people I meet. A love that reconnected me to my mother so freely that I could tell her ‘I love you’ after not speaking those words (or feeling them) for 25 years.
Love that was available to me the whole time, but that I couldn’t find because I was looking for money and power.
But love is my power.
The ability to forgive myself for anything. The ability to see my beauty through my imperfections. The ability to appreciate each divine creation for what it is. The ability to feel connected to supposed strangers. The sweet nectar that reverberates through my body allowing me to enjoy every moment. And see the hand of God in everything. Love!
And I’m pretty sure I can take it with me when I go.
I used to have a prestigious job and make a ton of money. I was a TV writer and I could always depend on saying “CSI:Miami” to impress anyone I met. I used to have the top agents in Los Angeles, the dream agents. I paraded around these agents like a badge of honor. I only had to say their name to elicit “oohs” and “ahhs” from anyone in the industry.
But it all began to unravel. I got fired from the fancy job. I spent the money. I couldn’t do what my agents wanted me to do so I lost them too. All this coincided with the reawakening of my spiritual beliefs. I was learning through graduate school in Spiritual Psychology and through meditation the truth about myself and my spiritual existence.
I was discovering energy and how it worked to clear pain. I discovered I could co-create my experience by taking charge of my belief system. I worked to let go of judgments and limiting beliefs I’d held all my life. I integrated my subpersonalities though Gestalt Therapy (giving parts of you a voice). I meditated to connect to myself and my life path. And I did it.
At 36 I finally learned to love myself.
I can’t tell you how incredible this feels. (I hope you already know.) For the first time, I felt cared for on a deep level. I felt warmth spread through my body that was usually reserved for Christmas or chocolate cake. I could look in the mirror and meet my own eyes with affection. For the first time. In 36 years!
Since then, I have been building this ability to love. Applying to people I previously didn’t appreciate. Applying to my mother with whom I’d struggled to love for decades. Trying on its different permutations. Loving the unacceptable, despised parts of me. Loving homeless people. Loving the trees and sky. Loving the innate goodness in each person. Loving Christmas and chocolate cake.
I once asked my teacher how she was so compassionate and wise – she treated each person she met as sacred, each word they said as valuable, leaving out nothing and no one. She said, “When I look at people. All I see is the hand of God.” So, for years, that is how I tried to look. Looking for the beauty of each moment. Or the lesson in each challenge. Looking for the hand of God.
What is amazing is that I found it. I peeled the layers of childhood and adult traumas. I fully grieved the losses of friends and boyfriends. The loss of love I felt from the self imposed belief that I wasn’t worthy of love. I peeled and peeled and finally got to the core where I could stand in front of the mirror and look at myself with bright eyes seeing the divinity within.
Which brings me to this morning…
This morning as I was meditating, a part of me was terrified and crying. Since I’ve worked extensively with Gestalt, I knew it was the part of me that felt she had no power. That self who missed her fancy job, loved the badge of TV writer and had imagined she was TV royalty when she had hot shot agents.
I sat with her as she cried. I told her I loved her and she was safe. She was angry that I wasn’t trying harder. That I had refused to take a show that didn’t feel right. She was embarrassed that we’d been fired, clinging to the humiliation like a new badge. I just sat and listened compassionately. I had heard all this before. She wanted the money and the safety and the prestige. I assured her she was valuable without it.
Finally, her sobs subsided. Her pain released. Her need to prove herself relaxed. And I sat with her giving her love and acceptance. And she began to accept it and fill up on it. And then, she giggled delightedly. For no reason. And I realized: she thought those things were important. She thought that power, money and being a success were the keys to being happy. But she was wrong.
I wasn’t happy when I had all those things. I was terrified of losing them.
I realized this morning that all of those things eventually could and would be lost. My health. My wealth. My outer vestiges of success. I can’t take my closet of clothes into the great beyond. I can’t transfer a healthy bank account to the Heaven Branch. Eventually, I will have to let go of all those false trappings of power and achievement and then, what will be left?
Luckily, what will be left is a deep and profound acceptance of myself. A love that viscerally tingles through out my body and tickles the people I meet. A love that reconnected me to my mother so freely that I could tell her ‘I love you’ after not speaking those words (or feeling them) for 25 years.
Love that was available to me the whole time, but that I couldn’t find because I was looking for money and power.
But love is my power.
The ability to forgive myself for anything. The ability to see my beauty through my imperfections. The ability to appreciate each divine creation for what it is. The ability to feel connected to supposed strangers. The sweet nectar that reverberates through my body allowing me to enjoy every moment. And see the hand of God in everything. Love!
And I’m pretty sure I can take it with me when I go.
Monday, December 14, 2009
Process Your Own Pain, Dammit!
Every one of us is given our fair share of pain. I mean, literally, the Universe says here is your quotient of suffering, let’s see what you do with it.
I think the Universe’s Plan is that we turn it into light, make lemonade from lemons, diamonds from coal, rainbows from rain, compassion from suffering, love from hate, learning from lessons.
But some of us get so busy with being successful or raising kids or trying to make a living, that we fail to take time to process our fair share of pain…
So what happens to it?
I’ll give you a hint…
It doesn’t just leave.
Sometimes, it gets buried deep in the crevices of your body and shows up as unexplained rage or an endless cough. But other times, people who are more sensitive and open to another’s energy take it on and process it for us.
These are the CRAZY people in your life. They never listen. They can’t pay attention. They drive into other people’s bumpers. And why? Because they are so busy processing your pain. It gets overwhelming.
See, they are already trying to process their own pain. That underlying anxiety or unmourned childhood grief. But put this sensitive person around someone who is not doing their own processing and whammo, you’ve got a snowballing neurotic “self-centered” mess on your hands.
Many people believe that there are power struggles in relationships. I say that there are pain struggles. The struggle is this…who is going to process this pain? You can’t exactly hire out. You can’t send it to India, where labor is cheaper. Pain Processors ($2.00 per trauma).
This new theory resolves the age old question of why men consider women crazy.
Because our culture encourages qualities of sensitivity and receptivity in women and discouraged “softness” in men, men try to fulfill their societal demands by making themselves sturdy and strong, and inadvertently they refuse to process the multiple daily hits on their pain body. (Their natural daily quotient of pain.) And their sensitive counterparts easily absorb the unseen pain and become…you guessed it…depressed. Or crazy. Or crazy depressed. “Tell me you love me…again!!!”
So what is the solution for those Over Processors of Pain?
Well, there are a few.
For one, process your pain. Meditate everyday. Or write in a journal. Or shake your body for 15 minutes. Beat a pillow. Play sports. Scream in the woods. Try yoga. Or running. Pain needs time and attention to surface because our emotions are so repressed in this society. (Think about the last time you laughed or cried – was it in a movie or watching television?)
So, take several deep breaths several times a day and be with yourself. Let discomfort (pain’s brother) or disappointment (pain’s cousin) gently pass through you on its way out. It is not you. The true you is light and love. It is just a misunderstanding sent to earth for processing.
Two, refuse to process another person’s pain. If you see you are in a relationship with someone who makes you crazy, look at the facts: is this person in touch with their feelings? Do they take responsibility for their emotions? Do they have emotions? If you are in a relationship with a numbed out person, then, hello?, they are not processing their pain. And chances are, you’re processing it for them, which can lead to fatigue, illness, neurosis or in extreme cases, the crazies.
Finally, bring awareness to your interchanges of energy. How do you feel after being with a certain person? Is their energy clear and you feel seen and heard and present with that person or did they just suck the life out of you?
Remember, pain is a fact of life according to Buddha. If you are not performing your humanly duties to transform that negativity into positivity then you just might see your boss going into a rage for no reason, or your kids throw tantrums in Target or your dogs ripping into each other’s fur.
Because, my friends, those around us are sensitive. They can feel our anxiety; they pick it up like positive protons attract negative electrons. So, do your family and friends a favor. Do the world a favor. Be aware. Process your own pain.
Cuz I’m not going to.
And if you are processing your own pain, then thank you! Good job! Hurray! Be Proud! You are the world's future.
I think the Universe’s Plan is that we turn it into light, make lemonade from lemons, diamonds from coal, rainbows from rain, compassion from suffering, love from hate, learning from lessons.
But some of us get so busy with being successful or raising kids or trying to make a living, that we fail to take time to process our fair share of pain…
So what happens to it?
I’ll give you a hint…
It doesn’t just leave.
Sometimes, it gets buried deep in the crevices of your body and shows up as unexplained rage or an endless cough. But other times, people who are more sensitive and open to another’s energy take it on and process it for us.
These are the CRAZY people in your life. They never listen. They can’t pay attention. They drive into other people’s bumpers. And why? Because they are so busy processing your pain. It gets overwhelming.
See, they are already trying to process their own pain. That underlying anxiety or unmourned childhood grief. But put this sensitive person around someone who is not doing their own processing and whammo, you’ve got a snowballing neurotic “self-centered” mess on your hands.
Many people believe that there are power struggles in relationships. I say that there are pain struggles. The struggle is this…who is going to process this pain? You can’t exactly hire out. You can’t send it to India, where labor is cheaper. Pain Processors ($2.00 per trauma).
This new theory resolves the age old question of why men consider women crazy.
Because our culture encourages qualities of sensitivity and receptivity in women and discouraged “softness” in men, men try to fulfill their societal demands by making themselves sturdy and strong, and inadvertently they refuse to process the multiple daily hits on their pain body. (Their natural daily quotient of pain.) And their sensitive counterparts easily absorb the unseen pain and become…you guessed it…depressed. Or crazy. Or crazy depressed. “Tell me you love me…again!!!”
So what is the solution for those Over Processors of Pain?
Well, there are a few.
For one, process your pain. Meditate everyday. Or write in a journal. Or shake your body for 15 minutes. Beat a pillow. Play sports. Scream in the woods. Try yoga. Or running. Pain needs time and attention to surface because our emotions are so repressed in this society. (Think about the last time you laughed or cried – was it in a movie or watching television?)
So, take several deep breaths several times a day and be with yourself. Let discomfort (pain’s brother) or disappointment (pain’s cousin) gently pass through you on its way out. It is not you. The true you is light and love. It is just a misunderstanding sent to earth for processing.
Two, refuse to process another person’s pain. If you see you are in a relationship with someone who makes you crazy, look at the facts: is this person in touch with their feelings? Do they take responsibility for their emotions? Do they have emotions? If you are in a relationship with a numbed out person, then, hello?, they are not processing their pain. And chances are, you’re processing it for them, which can lead to fatigue, illness, neurosis or in extreme cases, the crazies.
Finally, bring awareness to your interchanges of energy. How do you feel after being with a certain person? Is their energy clear and you feel seen and heard and present with that person or did they just suck the life out of you?
Remember, pain is a fact of life according to Buddha. If you are not performing your humanly duties to transform that negativity into positivity then you just might see your boss going into a rage for no reason, or your kids throw tantrums in Target or your dogs ripping into each other’s fur.
Because, my friends, those around us are sensitive. They can feel our anxiety; they pick it up like positive protons attract negative electrons. So, do your family and friends a favor. Do the world a favor. Be aware. Process your own pain.
Cuz I’m not going to.
And if you are processing your own pain, then thank you! Good job! Hurray! Be Proud! You are the world's future.
Friday, December 11, 2009
Are you Receiving?
Are You Receiving???
Are you receiving pleasure in every moment of the day? Are you relishing the wind in your hair? The warmth of the sun on your face? The smiles of passers-by? The giggles of children?
I realized this morning that I had to shift my awareness to be able to receive. My awareness was on producing. Making my living. Putting product into the world. But having woken up yesterday in a purely receiving state, I knew what deliciousness I was missing.
Yesterday, I woke up vibrating. My entire body was grateful for life: for the cozy covers, for the tingling feeling all over my body, for my little doggies making sweet goodmorning sounds. I was wrapped in pure pleasure, like my body was made of 70% joy instead of 70 % water. I didn’t move or think. It was just bliss. The kind I usually only feel in Maui getting a massage in a Cabana listening to ocean waves love the shore.
There I was: a Thursday. I had done my usually intention setting before bed, “May I be happier tomorrow than I was today.” But this time, it came true. Why? Because I had cleared enough of my worry and pain to be able to feel the pure, natural state of being. I was present to the abundance.
So, this morning when I woke up with a laundry list of things to do, people to call, contacts to follow up with, I wondered -- where is my bliss? My natural, God-given right to ecstasy? Oh, yes. I get it. I am not fully present. I am running after the future.
Then, taking some deep breaths I shifted my consciousness. I set free my worry. I relaxed my shoulders. I gave my thoughts of supporting myself and saving the world up to God. He’s got it all figured out anyway. He doesn’t need my help. Well, not in the worry and concern arena anyway.
Then I focused on receiving. First, I received the gifts of being healthy. Oh yeah, that feels good. I am healthy. I can breathe. Then I received the comfort of my warm bed, soft sheets and supportive mattress. Then I received some gratitude from myself for taking time to receive. Then miraculously, my body filled up with that vibrating, radiating energy…love.
If you don’t know what this feels like, imagine looking into the eyes of the person or pet you treasure most. Now feel how much they love you. Feel their unconditional vibrant joy at being in your presence. (Especially if you are thinking of a dog or cat.) You see how perfect and divine you really are. So precious.
Ahh, it feels so good.
This is the natural state. When we are clear of our judgments, worries and concerns, we are free. Free to receive.
I am going to keep receiving today. Complements, smiles, acknowledgements (from myself mostly), delicious flavors, soothing sounds (from my itunes). I am going to let each gift resonate and reverberate. I am going to let it play in my cells and swirl in my heart. I am going to pay attention to the songs of birds and say ‘thank you’ for that gift of beauty. And once I am full and nurtured and cuddled by life’s gifts, I can give them back, channel them through, radiate the love that naturally flows through my body, back to those around me: the earth, the trees, the people, the doggies.
Can you feel it? I’m radiating now. Just relax your body. Take it in. That’s right. And there it is. Delicious!
Are you receiving pleasure in every moment of the day? Are you relishing the wind in your hair? The warmth of the sun on your face? The smiles of passers-by? The giggles of children?
I realized this morning that I had to shift my awareness to be able to receive. My awareness was on producing. Making my living. Putting product into the world. But having woken up yesterday in a purely receiving state, I knew what deliciousness I was missing.
Yesterday, I woke up vibrating. My entire body was grateful for life: for the cozy covers, for the tingling feeling all over my body, for my little doggies making sweet goodmorning sounds. I was wrapped in pure pleasure, like my body was made of 70% joy instead of 70 % water. I didn’t move or think. It was just bliss. The kind I usually only feel in Maui getting a massage in a Cabana listening to ocean waves love the shore.
There I was: a Thursday. I had done my usually intention setting before bed, “May I be happier tomorrow than I was today.” But this time, it came true. Why? Because I had cleared enough of my worry and pain to be able to feel the pure, natural state of being. I was present to the abundance.
So, this morning when I woke up with a laundry list of things to do, people to call, contacts to follow up with, I wondered -- where is my bliss? My natural, God-given right to ecstasy? Oh, yes. I get it. I am not fully present. I am running after the future.
Then, taking some deep breaths I shifted my consciousness. I set free my worry. I relaxed my shoulders. I gave my thoughts of supporting myself and saving the world up to God. He’s got it all figured out anyway. He doesn’t need my help. Well, not in the worry and concern arena anyway.
Then I focused on receiving. First, I received the gifts of being healthy. Oh yeah, that feels good. I am healthy. I can breathe. Then I received the comfort of my warm bed, soft sheets and supportive mattress. Then I received some gratitude from myself for taking time to receive. Then miraculously, my body filled up with that vibrating, radiating energy…love.
If you don’t know what this feels like, imagine looking into the eyes of the person or pet you treasure most. Now feel how much they love you. Feel their unconditional vibrant joy at being in your presence. (Especially if you are thinking of a dog or cat.) You see how perfect and divine you really are. So precious.
Ahh, it feels so good.
This is the natural state. When we are clear of our judgments, worries and concerns, we are free. Free to receive.
I am going to keep receiving today. Complements, smiles, acknowledgements (from myself mostly), delicious flavors, soothing sounds (from my itunes). I am going to let each gift resonate and reverberate. I am going to let it play in my cells and swirl in my heart. I am going to pay attention to the songs of birds and say ‘thank you’ for that gift of beauty. And once I am full and nurtured and cuddled by life’s gifts, I can give them back, channel them through, radiate the love that naturally flows through my body, back to those around me: the earth, the trees, the people, the doggies.
Can you feel it? I’m radiating now. Just relax your body. Take it in. That’s right. And there it is. Delicious!
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Grab Your Breasts!
Grab your breasts.
Not hard.
Just lightly take hold.
Now tell your breasts you love them, you’re sorry if you ever mistreated them, ask their forgiveness and then say thank you.
Your breasts are an incredible metaphor for your ability to love and nurture yourself.
They are one of your feminine centers.
If you speak meanly to your breasts – insult them, call them too small or lopsided or saggy or just plain ignore them –you are insulting your subconscious and you better believe your subconscious has a temper.
Now caress your breasts (if you are at work you can wait for a coffee break).
Now, tell your breasts that you love them, you will take care of them. They are safe.
Really you are saying these words to your whole self, your whole body is getting this message.
Your subconscious is registering “I am loveable”, “I am valuable”, “I am beautiful”, “I am precious.”
It will give you back conscious messages of how to take better care of yourself.
It will help you give yourself the nourishment and attention you need to be happy.
So grab those breasts ladies and talk nice!
Not hard.
Just lightly take hold.
Now tell your breasts you love them, you’re sorry if you ever mistreated them, ask their forgiveness and then say thank you.
Your breasts are an incredible metaphor for your ability to love and nurture yourself.
They are one of your feminine centers.
If you speak meanly to your breasts – insult them, call them too small or lopsided or saggy or just plain ignore them –you are insulting your subconscious and you better believe your subconscious has a temper.
Now caress your breasts (if you are at work you can wait for a coffee break).
Now, tell your breasts that you love them, you will take care of them. They are safe.
Really you are saying these words to your whole self, your whole body is getting this message.
Your subconscious is registering “I am loveable”, “I am valuable”, “I am beautiful”, “I am precious.”
It will give you back conscious messages of how to take better care of yourself.
It will help you give yourself the nourishment and attention you need to be happy.
So grab those breasts ladies and talk nice!
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