WHY YOU SHOULDN'T SHOOT YOURSELF IN THE HEAD

It’s messy, for one. For another, if you miss or flinch then you’re sucking cider through a straw for the rest of your life.

Third, and most importantly, and the reason you shouldn’t kill yourself at all is that:

People change.
Life circumstances change.
Feelings change.

What’s more is…you can change them.

I know what you’re thinking, “I am trapped. Everyday is misery. Everybody hates me. Not one person would care if I were dead.”

Trust me. I’ve been there. I cried for years on end. I put a gun in my mouth and pulled the trigger. Didn’t work. Gun didn’t go boom. My pain didn’t evaporate in a lightning flash blackout.

Thank God.

Because now I know I am not trapped. I do not cry myself to sleep every night. And all those nasty thoughts? “No one cares. Everyone hates me.” They weren’t true! I was just so depressed I couldn’t see past them. But I see clearly now. Life is completely different now. I have a loving, supportive family. I have joy throughout the day. I have a million reasons to live.

I know those dark thoughts and feelings can be convincing. You REALLY FEEL it’s the end of the world. But it’s not. No matter what your situation is, LIFE CAN GET BETTER. Even if you are declaring bankruptcy. Even if you haven’t worked in three years. Even if your wife left you for your best friend. Even if you committed a crime, LIFE CAN GET BETTER. Even if the voices in your head are saying horrible things to you, even if you are sleeping with your mother and thinking about killing your father, even if you are gay and your parents are conservative republican Mormons, even if you get beat up everyday by a man you would never even think of leaving, LIFE CAN GET BETTER. There is a get out of jail free card. There is a way out of your pain and misery and IT ISN’T THROUGH ENDING YOUR LIFE!

Our egos have constructs of “what is okay” and “what is too shameful, too painful, too humiliating” to live with.

These constructs are NOT real!

Don’t believe them.

You don’t have to be a straight A student to have value. You don’t have to get the guy or gal of your dreams for your life to be worth living. Don’t buy into our culture’s values that if you are not the best, you have no reason to be. I did and it made me miserable.

At one point I wanted to kill myself because I didn’t get cast as Anita in “West Side Story” in High School. I literally felt like my life was over. There was no point in going on or trying. But guess what? That was a LIE my brain was telling me. If a guy broke up with me, guess what? I wanted to die. My mind said, “You are alone in this world. You will always be alone. Get me out of this anguish.” I cried and cried. I cried doing homework in college. I cried working out with videos. I cried in the bathroom at parties.

GUESS WHAT NOBODY TOLD ME???

YOU DON’T HAVE TO BE MISERABLE.

YOU CAN CHANGE YOUR LIFE.

Now your mind may be saying, “Maybe she can change, but my depression is hereditary.” Well, I’ll tell you, my mom is still depressed, my sibling is on anti-depressants and I am gloriously (95 % of the time) pain free. "Depression is hereditary" is just an excuse to not heal yourself.

So, how did I do it?

I took the LONG, LONG, LONG route. Not alcoholism or drugs (though there was a decade and a half of workaholism), but anti-depressants and therapists. Therapy is a good first step, but anti-depressants repress emotions, as do drinking and smoking pot. In order to heal we need to EXPRESS emotions not REPRESS them. (However, if the choice is between anti-depressants and suicide bridge, take anti-depressants!)

What no one told me (and maybe I wouldn’t have believed them then) is:

1. Depression comes from negative energy stored in the body.
2. Emotional suffering comes from misunderstandings about yourself and others.
3. Your life circumstances mirror your inner beliefs.

CHANGE YOUR BELIEFS AND YOU CHANGE YOUR FEELINGS AND YOUR LIFE CIRCUMSTANCES.

Even if you have nothing but this blog, if this is your only resource… you can still heal yourself.

Your ego argues, “I tried affirmations and they don’t work.”

Of course, they don’t work! You are piling flowers on crap. You need to clear the crap before you can plant the flowers.

Trying one thing and it not working is NO REASON to think you will always feel horrible. It’s no reason to kill yourself! It’s no reason to give up!

We are so kept in the dark as a society about how to heal ourselves. For the most part, were not even taught how to love ourselves.

Why are we taught our f*&!ing ABCs and not taught to love ourselves! We are taught where to put a period, but not our value as human beings!

Are you kidding me???!!!

So, what’s the magic remedy?

How are you going to heal without money, without help, without God? (Because if you are that depressed you are definitely separated from God and probably an atheist like I was.)

Here’s how:

You need to get rid of the negative energy in your body and mind by processing it.

You can do this several different ways:

1. Write out what is upsetting you (and burn it.)

2. Exercise. When you exercise you release the negative energy trapped in your body. Kundalini yoga is the science of clearing negative energy. Even full body shaking for 15 minutes a day can clear so much.

3. Meditate. This is so amazing. All you have to do is sit down and breathe. What could be easier? You can even lie down and breathe. The point is to put the attention onto yourself: to listen to yourself for once. “What do you need?” “What are you feeling?” By focusing on your inhalation and exhalation you are giving yourself the longed for attention you need and deserve. This attention naturally turns to affection. You give yourself the attention and love so many of us long for in our lives. If you want more structure in your meditation, Google David Elliott’s Breathwork or Vipassana meditation. (There are even free retreat centers that teach you to meditate.)

4. GET HELP. I know, for years I didn’t tell anyone I was suicidal because I didn’t want to bring them down and I falsely believed that no one cared. People care. Strangers care. If your parents don’t care, maybe a teacher will. If your teacher doesn’t care, maybe a friend’s parent will. Reach out. There is no shame in feeling like a worthless piece of crap. No one taught us to love ourselves so how can we know any different? Later in life, I called the suicide hotline. They are great. They answer the phone. They get you through the crisis. And you are in crisis if you are thinking about killing yourself. You aren’t thinking straight. Imagine you are in a negative energy induced fog: DO NOT HANDLE HEAVY MACHINERY OR GUNS OR ROPES OR PRETTY LITTLE PILLS.

5. Try ALTERNATIVE METHODS of healing. My God! People would rather be dead than sit with their legs crossed and their eyes closed for half an hour? Alternative methods—Breathwork, acupuncture, chiropractic, aromatherapy, constellational healing, massage, reiki, ecstatic dancing, any kind of dancing, tantra classes, theta healing, REMT, hypnosis, rebirth therapy, energy medicine, Biodecoding, light therapy. The list goes on forever. You are NOT ALLOWED to kill yourself until you’ve tried everything. I don’t care if you believe in it or not, it will still work! If you are going to end it all anyway, what have you got to lose? You might have some fun in the meantime.

6. Forgive yourself. Forgive yourself for judging yourself as worthless. Forgive yourself for whatever you think you did that qualifies you as worthless. Forgive yourself for hating your parents. Forgive yourself for hating your life. Forgive yourself for having so much hatred inside of you. It’s not your fault. But you do need to take responsibility for it in order to process it and let it go.

7. Scream and pound a pillow. If you do nothing else, do this. Even if you are so repressed that you think “I am not angry. I don’t know what she is talking about.” Come on, you’d rather be dead than hit a pillow? Then you’re not trying!! Self-hatred and hatred of others are false beliefs. They come from negative energy stuck in your body. You can get them out if you EXPRESS THEM!!!

If you think only horrible people feel angry, only irrational people scream, only weak people cry, then you are TRAPPING YOURSELF IN SUPPRESSED EMOTIONS! You’d rather be dead than a horrible person? You’d rather be dead than weak? You’d rather be miserable than act different from other people? Please! We are human, we are all different, weak, and horrible at some time in our lives.

CUT YOURSELF SOME SLACK instead of CUTTING YOURSELF SOME ROPE.

You can learn to love yourself. You can learn to think you are wonderful and amazing. You can get free of chronic emotional pain. You just need to take action.

Take the actions that I recommended above. You can do many of them from the privacy of your own home. BUT REMEMBER... When you release the negative energy, don't buy into it. As it releases, horrible thoughts may come into your head, terrible feelings may come into your body, these are past feelings that haven't been expressed. They need to be let out. Don't believe them, just FEEL them so THEY CAN BE RELEASED.

DON’T LET AN ILLUSION OF being trapped in misery END your precious life.

You can get free.

You can be happy.

Write, scream, breathe, meditate, get help, do yoga, call the suicide hotline, forgive yourself, do whatever you have to do, but don’t stay where you are in pain. Don’t believe that voice in your head saying death is the only way out…THAT IS A LIE.

The truth is:

You will feel so much better once you release the layers of pain.
You will feel joy in the core of your being.
You will know what it is like to give and receive love.
You will love yourself and what made you who you are today.

I’ve been there. I got through it. And now I give thanks for each new day of life.

Please pass on this article to anyone who…
Dresses in all black.
Responds to “Good morning” with “F-you!”
Uses the word “Bullshit” more than three times a day.
Stays in their room all day.
Has a drug or alcohol addiction (the slow suicide methods).
Who popped into your mind while you were reading this.

You never know, you could save a life. Or at least show that you care.

Cooking With Rita

Why is it that when I cut celery into tiny parts, my hands start to shake? Honestly more than a half hour in the kitchen breaks me into a smelly sweat. I want to lash out at the innocent zucchini. I want to burn the payaya. I want to never eat again.

I have avoided learning to cook for thirty years. I have been a happy take out queen. Having meals prepared for me where I don’t have to know what work went into them. But I wasn’t nourished by these meals. I was fed, but not nourished.

What is it about the kitchen that puts me into such a shaking rage? Will I be able to overcome it? Will I heal from the fear? What really went on in the kitchen anyway?

My mother painstakingly prepared steaks and broccoli and potatoes for four kids and a distant husband, everyday, three meals a day for at least 24 years. We never gave her an award. We never helped with dishes.

Why should I be surprised that my mother became depressed over the broccoli? She was quite alone. Nobody to help her. No one to cheer her on. I mean, I tried, but I guess my believability, as an authority figure was low at five years old.

I tried to convince my mom to be happy. It was a fairly simple argument. I didn’t really have a reason. It just seemed like a better idea than being depressed and wanting to die.

I guess I didn’t really understand her desire to die until I was much older. I didn’t feel that misery that invades every pore. I didn’t have those dark voices whispering horrible things to me. You’re worthless. End it all. There’s no reason for you to be alive.

Now, I would recognize this pain…it means you are off your path. That’s right. Spiritual or not, every person has a path that is for their highest good and usually feels incredible. The happiness path. Where you are fulfilling your life purpose, where you feel the joys of interconnection, where there is so much to look forward to and experience each day.

I would have told my mom she needed to make serious changes in her life. But at five, I simply said, “Be happy. You don’t want to die.” Now, I could recommend meditation, retreats, spa visits, poetry, and self-acknowledgement.

But then, all I could do was go to bed crying and hope that tomorrow wasn’t the day she ended the pain.

I feel the fear as I cut the zucchini and the rage, as I taste the vinaigrette dressing. I want to leave the room. I want to throw out the food or at least let it rot until it grows new limbs and colors. Until it stands up on it’s own and reenacts my fear of losing my mother.

Yet I stay and let Rita guide me through how much salt to add, how to cut the celery. I am so grateful to have a fearless, loving person mixing and boiling and broiling and sataying in my kitchen. I am afraid she will leave me. That I will mess up and she will refuse to teach me. I try to be good, stay positive. Be grateful. But I am quaking.

I know this is the last step. This is the letting go. I’ve worked on this issue a million times. Meditated and therapized. But here is the real work. I need to be in the place, feel the fear and let it pass through me. I need to let my hands shake while washing the zucchini. And I need to cry after Rita is gone. The final step to overcoming a life long fear. Going back to the place it started.

Please don’t leave me mommy. Please don’t die while the potatoes are cooking. Please don’t tell me again how horrible life is. I might start to believe you.

Once again I am crying, but this time I am not alone. I have my ancestors with me. I have my angels supporting me. I have my animal guide protecting me. I have God cheering me on, to release and let go. I am filled, surrounded and protected with the white light of spirit. I am safe. And I am loved.